7 / 5 / 09

Yesterday was odd . I went to the bay , as was our usual custom , before Mother became house- , then bed-bound . We would take a few minutes there to enjoy the breezes , boats and beautiful vistas before meeting my friend for lunch and an afternoon visit . Today's meal was great and her company...wonderful , but halfway through our usual time , an overwhelming weariness and weepiness came over me . I had to leave and find comfort in a nap . Not wanting to miss the fireworks ( it was after all , July 4th ! ) , Macy's NY show , then the one by the Boston Pops were duly watched and ooohhh'd and ahhhh'd over , despite the lateness of the hour (Mother was usually put to bed at 9pm and for her to sleep , I was expected to turn in , too !). Sleep eluded me , as tossing , turning and an upset tummy kept me up most of the night .
An early morning dash to Walmart and a quick splurge on breakfast "out " brought home a cordless phone (the better to receive your calls when outside !) , and the comfort of 70% cacao chocolate . A nap was duly taken...feeling not fully rested....on 1/2 power...had a light lunch and watched a bit of TV . ...still feeling odd , so I'm propped up in bed journalling , accompanied by the ever-expanding cat ! I'm loathe to nap now , for fear of a reprise of last night's wakefullness . Having been given firm instructions from all quarters to rest and eat , I'm trying to do just that . Yet , there are periods of "normalcy " , as the demands of daily life must be met in a timely fashion...then energy flees and we begin the cycle all over again . I've been told it will all "hit" me later , after the details have been taken care of...no time to confront all the emotions involved and deal with them yet . There is an exhaustion of body from extended periods of too little sleep . There is an exhaustion of emotion from 24 / 7 caregiving...not wanting to miss anything that might make the ordeal more comfortable for Mother . ...and the mental exhaustion of trying to keep all those balls in the air at the same time ! It will take time to sort itself out and come out the other side...having only handled it all by the kindness , help and guidance of family , friends and compassionate strangers .