7 / 4 / 09

I am in a strange chrysalis state...too consumed by minutae to deal with my grief . I know it will hit me - sooner would be better than later - but concerns about the future... those pesky "What next ?" and "What do I do about...?"... questions are buzzing around me like bees at a nectar source . In some cultures , the immediate family of the deceased are sheltered from those matters and allowed the luxury of confronting their grief head on...no holds barred...for a week , while others manage things . Since my family is reduced to numbers counted on the fingers of one hand ,(not counting my dearest friend) and sprinkled across the country like far-flung pearls , we are each responsible for our own solitary mourning . The phones have been busy as we reach out to each other but once the call is ended , the house is quiet once more .
My sister is a tower of strength , a role she has filled admirably our whole adult lives . Although the younger sibling , she has always been the wiser , more savy of we two . It was she who saw the obvious failings of those in my relationships that my rose-colored glasses missed ( Wizard of Oz - "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain..." ) . It is she with the firm grip on business dealings and medical / bureaucratic mazes , who has mercifully guided me
through these last few months , as well . I would be lost without her...may God shower millions of blessings upon her !
I have awakened in my old room after a two-and-a-half year absence . The bed is more comfortable than remembered , affording a decent night's rest . The rising sun sent its rosy shafts through my east-facing window and its crystals , to sprinkle the room with myriad tiny rainbows , for beauty and comfort . It is now 9:30am and the nice man from the funeral home "back home " was here to have me sign the necessary papers and transport Mother from the local place to their final care . The cremation will work well for a claustrophobic lady , for whom a casket and internment held no comfort . As she was frequently cold...well , this method , of her choice , will work well on all accounts . When he asked if there was anything to be put in with her , when cremated , the nosegay from our garden that had been at her bedside and a perfect rose from a bouquet sent by my son and daughter-in-law , accompanied her . He left me with a quick hug and the firm admonition to rest and eat ( he'd noticed my untouched breakfast tray !).
A strange day opened before me .