On The Horns of a Dilema

Yesterday was most difficult ! After the aide left , the meds that usually allow Mother to doze comfortably for hours just didn't work as expected . After a short nap , she was awake and anxious again and warranted constant vigilance to prevent her hoped-for escape from the dreaded bed . When the time for another dose came , the result was the same .
The dilema comes from the usual intensive custodial care and the new awareness of her being on an "exiting" path . There is no time to deal with all those attendant feelings...the luxury afforded a distant relative or visiting friend...because she still needs my care . Nights still offer no deep-sleep-respite...added to the usual concerns are a heightened awareness of changing breathing , the possibility of getting out of bed and that old one of her trying to take out the catheter . I am learning to take new-mother advice and try to rest when she does . Sleep doesn't come during the day , but there is an interesting... drifting... that takes place and is somewhat refreshing . The old Superwoman Complex , that dictated productive use of every nano-second , has no place here . Rather , a careful conservation of energies is what is called for...the better to make wise decisions , my dear !(or at least , the closest I can come to the ideal !)
Hospice , bless them , provides booklets detailing the end process and the signs along the way . Reading them brings mixed emotions...gratitude for the information (so I know what to look for and what to do about it )...and ample tears - that her life had to include this heavy trial...that this condition is the last thing she wanted and the very thing she feared ... and how much I will miss this dear little lady when this current travail is finally over for her .
Keep us in your kind thoughts...