Next Step

After Mother's collapse on Saturday (and another earlier this week ) the decision was made to call in hospice . The doctor call was bypassed, fearing he would put her back into the hospital , something neither my sister nor I wish . As it turned out , the symptoms missing last week presented themselves and a bladder infection was confirmed ,necessitating a call to the doctor for antibiotics , anyway . He was informed of the latest developments and , surprisingly , asked if he could recommend a Hospice service...absolutuly !!! He said his office would contact them and they would call me...that in his experience , his choice would be better for Mother . His nurse called the next morning to confirm it all and to advise Hospice would be calling that day . Within the hour , they , indeed called and by 2 pm that day , their RN was here to admit Mother to their program...the hospital bed was ordered and delivered the very next day and the RN and a wonderful , most capable aide (a physical therapist from Russia !) appeared to get things rolling ! The catheter has been re-installed and she is bed-bound for now .
In a reality-check conversation with the RN , where expected symptoms were discussed , I mentioned a comment by a family member (who has been through this several times with others) , that it seemed that Mother was "shutting down " . This dear lady looked directly at me and said...kindly...that my mother was dying...that it might take days or weeks , but that she was indeed " shutting down "...that this must be hard to hear... I told her that having a definite "window" to confront was actually easier...that for years I'd been dealing with an open-ended situation , never knowing when she'd be discovered "expired" . The countless checks on a sleeping lady who comes more and more to look dead...the intent peering for signs of breathing and the resultant relief from the apnea-ending snort and resumption of air intake . It is a bit like childbirth and its labor...surprising , painful , intense , inescapable...and yet not endless...the process has a built-in ending...the child is born and the labor stops .
And so...we take each moment as it comes...dealing with the needs within it and slowing down to simplify to the absolute necessities...conserving our strength for the labor-intensitive acts of diaper and bed-linen changes...trying to discern the needs of one less able to express them in words...bringing comfort and reassurance as best I can . There must also be time to recharge my own" batteries"...to make sure this duty is a part of my life and not , as feared by a dear friend , an all-consuming life of its own , that might leave me adrift when finally alone . I must make a life for myself , not dependant on the schedules of others for their company . There are chores , long left undone for the present obligation , that must be attended to . There are interests to be pursued and an inner spirit to nourish with the delights and blessings that abound . Mother had a little wooden plaque that said " Happiness is homegrown " . Time to tend that garden .