6 / 29 / 09

My favorite aide came - a physical therapist from the Republic of Georgia - a lovely , competant lady who is so kind to Mother . She took one look at my face at her arrival and said ,"No one here to help you all weekend ?" (no) "You were all alone ?" (yes) " I will be here for two hours . You will go out !!! ...go shopping...breathe different air !" And so I did . The flowers in our garden didn't see enough sunshine this month to put forth much bloom - barely enough to fill a tiny bud vase for Mother . The market yielded mini-carnations in pale pink and cerise ( a purply deep pink ) and pink statice . The flowers were divided among small vases (except for one big one for Mom ) and set throughout the house to bring a bit of cheer .
As the nurse had come in my absence , a call was put through for a status report . Mother has lost a lot of weight since last week...definitely declining...probably not too much longer...in a normal progression , but not in distress nor pain . Such mixed feelings...relief for a quickly approaching end to her suffering and a time of peace for her . It's been a rough road - one she hoped to avoid...and yet , brave and sensible as I try to be , the tears fall . This is , after all , my Mother...and she's leaving...and I'll miss her . Not the anxious , fearful Alzheimer's "her" , but the real her that even recently peeked out to smile at my antics as I danced to her 40's music to amuse her .
There are two events which , once witnessed personally , change you forever...you just don't fit in your old skin anymore . They are , of course , birth and death . These experiences shake to one's core - forcing the realization that we are not in control of much , after all . It forces an awareness that the Divine Someone is in control...how humbling for us...and isn't that a very good thing !
The focus now is to make sure she is comfortable and reassured that she did an excellent job with her life...completed the work she was sent to do...that we're so proud of her and love her dearly - 'cause we do ! ...and that she need not worry - she taught us well and we'll be okay...that she can "let go " whenever she's ready... Gentle instrumentals play softly in the background ( and have for days )... hands are held...her dear brow kissed...and we keep each other company...'til one slips away...