Coping With the New Phase

Yesterday was not a good day . We arrived for Mother's three-month checkup about fifteen minutes early and waited thereafter for fortyfive minutes . Normally this would pose no problem , however , the afternoon meds were late...a bad combination with the waiting . The staff had made every effort for our comfort...comfy chairs , nice warm temperature and a huge TV with "lady" shows . Nonetheless , Mother became increasingly difficult...the tone of voice imperious and impatient . A quick word to the observant receptionist gained us access to the recently vacated examining room,as we were next in line anyway . By the time the nurse came and tried to weigh and measure her , Mother was in rare form ! The doctor , in an effort to remove her arm from the jacket to take her blood pressure , neglected to read her mood and request her cooperation and was summarily chastised . She would brook no insurrection ! As the nurse said to me , it was good for the doctor to observe firsthand this "evil twin " behavior , as she was normally so sweet . Her meds were adjusted accordingly . I was , of course , in tears by this time . The doctor asked what Mother's normal reaction was to my tears and was told they weren't shed in her presence . "Look at her...your tears are moving her ". Indeed , her hand was on my shoulder , her face softened and she announced to all ,"This is the best , the very best !".(even though when asked , she had no idea what my name was...)
My tears were not just from the fruitless efforts to calm her in the waiting room ( for the sake of all involved),nor the nasty words,swearing and bad behavior . These played into a realization , up close and personal , that this could herald a new behavior that could be commonplace for her . That a woman , so kind and sensitive to the needs of others all her life , might spend her remaining years in a behavior she so deplored , is cruel and unthinkable !
The only sensible coping mechanism is to get through today . The one-day-at-a-time rationale implies there will be more days...too much to cope with right now ! A friend with similar experience kept telling herself ,"I can do this !"...taking one episode at a time . For now , trying to read her rapidly changing moods and act accordingly will help . So will being aware of how all this affects me , on all levels ( like not inflicting food into an emotionally upset tummy , causing an untimely exit of said food in the middle of the night !).
This is a learning process for a condition we would all hope to avoid . The doctor told me that at some point , my caregiving would become more than I could handle...that it was the hardest job I'd ever do...that Mother would have to be "placed" . That isn't an option for us . And so , between prayers , the blessings God provides and loving friends...I can do this...I can do this...