The Alternate Reality

Last week , in a fruitless effort to tidy up my desk (keeping papers important to me out of Mother's reach necessitates squirrelling them away someplace !) , I came across a newspaper clipping . The article spoke of an annual appreciation dinner for volunteers and an award presented . The important information , however , was that there was an organization that provided free respite care for Alzheimer's patient caregivers ! The number was promptly called and a pleasant conversation ensued . The manager of the program shared a story about a lady she knew,who was in the late stages of Alzheimer's and in a nursing home . When visiting ,this lady told her of her wish to "get out of this place "(an infrequent wish shared by Mother ) .
"How ?" "I'll get in my car and go !",the lady replied . "Where is your car ?" "In the parking lot !!" ,said the lady . "Where will you go ?",asked the manager . The response was an address not lived at for forty-five years !
The manager said the conversation was only possible because she went "into the woman's reality"...that for this person , this reality was one to which she no longer belonged ...it was too strange and frightening for her . There will be things you hear that will define a moment for you...when something just clicks into place . This was just such a moment . The information was not new...just the definition . Mother's inquiries as to the whereabouts of various family members must be answered in her reality , not mine . This is akin to adjusting to new customs and language if one moves abroad . Mother doesn't live here anymore ! It takes some adjusting of my own...to take a moment between the need and my response to shift realities and see what is really needed . When done properly , Mother is soothed with whatever information will fill the bill and I am less stressed . When feeding an infant , you don't give her a hunk of steak (just because you can handle it !) , but provide what is proper for her needs and abilities . Same here .
A friend from long ago and far away had a dear buddy who slipped into dementia . Instead of the usual , this lady was on a perpetual ocean cruise...complete with complaints about the inefficient deck stewards and uninspired food ! What a way to go !
This would seem to be a good way to handle daily life...determine the reality of those around you and respond accordingly . At first glance this might seem odd , but think about it...you notice the dentist's receptionist is a bit frazzled and make an effort to be patient and kind. The child waiting in the same office looks nervous about his turn "in there" and you and the mother distract him with a colorful book or silly pretend . Not so very different , is it ?
And so , from my reality to yours , I wish you a pleasant and happy day !